Ashley Starts with “I Am”
Two days left until FEEL BETTER NOW—a group show that i am participating in.
…incoming call…
I pick up the thin glass block of communication.
ME: “Heyyy, what’s up?”
CALLER: “Heyy… soooo about the materials, I wasn’t able to get them(…). Though I still want you to be a part of the show—if you’re still interested, I’d like to propose to you another idea, that i think you’d be perfect for.”
“…What did you have in mind?”
“Well, I literally just came from watching ‘EXHIBITING FORGIVENESS’ and bitch I cried. That film was so beautiful and heartfelt , and I appreciated what Titus Kaphar had to say. Watching this film had made me realize just how much us artists don’t tell our own story. Whenever we have exhibitions or panel discussions, or artists talks we’re always asked and talking about our work, and never ourselves. So how do you feel about doing a self portrait , on how you view yourself?
“Hmm, to be honest, I was really set on working with mirrors and resin, like we had discussed last month. So I’m a little disappointed that i;’m not able to do it anymore. Especially with me putting together a whole Pinterest Board for inspiration and concepts to pull from.”
“ I know. I wanted you to do it too, though i think that when things are supposed to happen, it will, and things would happen smoothly. As artists we have to learn how to pivot when needed.”
Though my inner being knew the truth in what she was saying, my ego was irritated. My ego calculated the total amount of days it would’ve taken to get all the materials and to have everything ready for show day. That same part of me wanted to say “no I don’t want to do the show anymore”. But instead I pondered how it would look like, what I would even incorporate in it. How do I even view myself? Do I have to talk about my past? The skin that is peeling away? Who am i really?
“I know that it’s maaaaad late, so how would you feel about starting it at home and doing some live painting during the show?”
“Hmmm, i wouldn’t even know where to start. Im kind of in a phase of my life where im shedding my older self, and Im creating who i actually want to be… so i don’t really know what to paint, and i dont really know my self really.”
“Well girl ! That sounds like the perfect reason to do this self portrait. Look at you making excuses not to paint yourself.”
“Hahaha, oof i guess i am a little nervous. I don’t really paint myself often.”
“Ooh look! Another reason why you should do this. I think this is a perfect opportunity for you to paint yourself.”
The funny thing is that I had been putting out the intention to talk more about my art. (Especially, after my experience after my first Artist Talk)—To allow my self to be seen more. To accept and embrace what I’m interested in, and not be so scary to openly talk about it—no matter how cringey I may think it sounds—because I am worthy and deserving of communing and connecting. I am not so special to the point where there is no one like me or into similar interests as me in this entire planet. ( if I ever felt that (because I surely have) it’s because I was in environments or around people who weren’t vibrationally adjacent to me, and pretty much knocked me down. And I unconsciously agreed and deflated my esteem to accommodate other peoples egos and emotions.)
After the phone call, there was a physical stillness paired with mental churning.
How do I view myself? How do I view myself? How do I view myself? How do I view myself? Who am I?
I came to the conclusion that i am in the process of shedding and building.
Alchemizing
Doing my daily meditations, journaling, conditioning my brain to think thoughts that serve me. Feeling the emotions that come up and allowing it to go, practicing detachment, connecting with Source Energy, Spirit, God, the All Knowing Eye, (whatever resonates with you)
Thinking about the components to birth an image I hadn’t thought of.
Grids. Chakras. Astrology. Affirmations. Universal Laws. Language. Color. Intention. Nature. Life and Death. The Manifsted and Unmanifested—that is all that came up and swarmed my mind.
The universe is within us, as well as around us. Everything has consciousness. We are only aware of things we focus our attention on—that we identify with. We are all coexisting and co-creating on this planet , through our own realities that are specific to each person based on their perspectives and beliefs.This is the beginning of me expressing more of this (openly) no matter how cringey others may perceive it to be.Here’s is the pre-final stage of -ASHLEY STARTS WITH “I AM”-
